Your Worst Secret...

I decided to do pre-marital counseling. It would save money on the marriage certificate, and others had recommended it, so... why not? Our Pastor did an initial assessment called Prepare and Enrich. The assessment asks various questions the couple is to answer individually, and the results are then submitted to whoever is doing the counseling. Upon arrival to the counseling session, the Pastor (counselor) showed us the results. I was relieved that the results came back positive, affirming that we were a healthy couple and recommending that we go through with marriage. Then my pastor thought it would be productive to delve into some of the discrepancies regarding our individual answers. You see, a lot of the questions in this assessment you are supposed to answer for your partner as well as for yourself, perhaps to challenge what you think you know about your partner vs. what you actually know (maybe?).

The pastor looked up from his chair with papers in his hand and said, “Gabriel... I see here one of the questions you answered in regards to PORNOGRAPHY. You marked that this has been somewhat of a struggle for you throughout your life, and you marked it has been a possible struggle for your partner…” I was horrified. He had just blindsided me (I did not know we were going to be talking about porn!). The pastor continued, “Heidi marked down that she believes you do not have any struggles in this area and that she does not have any struggles in this area either.” Uh oh…. What?! I felt a surge of anxiety hit me like bag of rocks.

I WASN’T READY!!! I don’t think you are ever ready to let your worst secret come out, let alone without preparation and to the person you are romantically involved with. Then there it was: the look of shock on Heidi’s face, the nausea in my stomach. I rushed to minimize and used past tense phraseology: “Yeah, I have struggled BEFORE... It USED to be a problem...” (Men are great at minimizing this problem). Looking back at that day, it was one of the worst yet best moments of my life. Through tears, long conversation, and painful honesty, I began to unpack a secret part of my life to another human being for the first time ever at the age of 24. The critical turning point was my wife’s response: “Gabriel, this is painful, this will not be a part of our marriage, and I’m committed to helping you overcome this. I love you. This changes nothing regarding my feelings of wanting to marry you.” WHOA!

I’ve given numerous bible studies, preached sermons, completed a theology degree, and was raised in the church, yet that moment taught me more about the love of God than any of those things combined. In 2012 when my recovery journey REALLY began, I took proactive steps to eliminate this from my life once and for all. Coincidently enough, there was a men’s group beginning in my church around the same time led by some community leaders dealing with “addictive behaviors.” A mentor of mine told me about the group and invited me. “A men’s group? HAHA! Yeah, not for me...” I’m seriously one of the most private people. At probably any other time in my life I would have politely thanked the mentor but never shown up to the group... (Men talking about their feelings? LAME). However, I was desperate and humiliated. The love my wife showed me through this inspired me to try anything. Starting that group would be one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Through the accountability, support from godly men, and empirical data I was learning regarding this addiction, I reached a level I never thought possible in my recovery. One month sobriety... two months... 6 months! So much processing, so much insight, tears, connection... I had my life back. I was getting used to life without an ongoing besetting sin (still am) - a life that I did not have since middle school. My life has been so different the last 5 years. No secrets, no shame, less hating myself for time and time again living a double life and over and over being so frustrated that I would try and try to stop but it would come back… I even crossed the one year sobriety mark and celebrated with my group! Praise God!

Through this struggle I have come to meet some amazing people on their recovery journey and have come to realize... I was never alone in this struggle. Do I really have to sit here and write how pervasive porn (sexual promiscuity in general) is among men? I mean ALL men (not just those outside the church). There are sexually addicted men in our churches, in our pulpits, in our classrooms, in our friend groups, at our work. This is real. I’ve talked to MANY men on my journey and realize that the only men not addicted to porn are those either with accountability groups or some serious boundaries that they put up at home to keep them from temptations. The rest... are lying.

 Secret sin is DESTROYING our society. It’s never just porn. It starts with one secret thing that leads to adultery that leads to other things. We read headlines that shock us about this or that scandal from a pastor or a famous person. What a shame that it could have been prevented. What a shame that that man did not feel safe enough with anyone around him to share that he was struggling. You see, no one falls into adultery, or rape, or pedophilia, or whatever. No one just suddenly becomes overwhelmed with an urge and ruins their life. These acts come with long preparation: secret feelings, secret habits, living a double life for a loooong time already, and finally one day it becomes public!

I can’t shut up any longer! I declare war on secret sin and in Jesus name will proclaim the victories he has brought in my life! For the sake of men everywhere! We need to get serious about talking about the obese elephant in the room. Most of OUR men, yes OUR men in our area of influence are addicted to sexual sin... What are we going to do about it?

The truth will set you free... Introduction Video