If we claim to be without sin, we deceive
ourselves and the truth is not in us.
Kids lie. Whether it’s the details of a party
where everyone was chanting their name, the culprit behind the missing cookies,
or the long list of super powers their dads have, children have a knack for exaggeration
and the imaginary. It’s developmentally
appropriate and expected for a child to lie as their understanding of facts and
morals is still under construction. It doesn’t normally hurt anyone when they
stretch the details of a story a bit; in fact, it’s great entertainment. It’s not so cute, however, when teens and
adults engage in lying behavior.
I don’t trust you
We are all good at being fakes -- just consider all the
years of practice we’ve had at keeping other people in our life at a distance
for fear of rejection. Many of us have good reasons, too. Perhaps we took a
leap of faith years ago in an attempt to connect, only to have rejection handed
back to us. Perhaps we let our feelings
show a bit too much and were punished for it. Maybe we were honest with another
person and it ended up coming back to bite us. Perhaps our impulsiveness gets us in trouble
with a bit of exaggeration in details to another just to make the story sound
more exciting. Our biggest fear could be opening up the dark closet of our life
to someone else, only to feel shame when he or she turns away from us in
disgust. My struggle with pornography did not have to last so many years. I remember
several times wanting to really talk to someone about it -- just lay it all out
there in a cathartic explosion and get help -- but I couldn’t. I noticed that media
normalized porn as being just a regular part of guys’ lives, and I figured
numerous men must do it. But I didn’t like that I did it. “I want to
stop; does anyone else?” There was no way I would give this piece of
information to someone else out of fear of that they would use it to ruin my
reputation. So I chose to handle this secret part of me alone -- just God and
me, right?
Theology major? What a joke!
My high school years were when my spiritual life made a
strong transition. It was likely a mix of the guidance of my parents, teachers,
positive peers and a school chaplain that led to my desire to know where I
stood in the whole “God thing.” I began studying the bible more, actually going
to Sabbath school, and even talking in front of my peers about my faith. When
the time came to consider a profession to study in college, I selected theology.
I wanted to be a pastor, and why not? I had received affirmations regarding my
preaching and spiritual leadership. I believed in what I was sharing and began
to really picture myself in this role.
 |
| Ted Wilson, GC President, and I at one of our dedication ceremonies |
“What a joke… they are laying hands on you to become a
pastor… A PASTOR?! They have no idea you look at porn. You are getting closer
and closer to becoming a pastor, then what? You will be found out for what you
really are: A Disgraceful Addict. SHAME ON YOU!!!”
 |
| Preaching in Cuba - March, 2006 |
I didn’t close my eyes during those prayers. I’d quickly
glance up from the front of the chapel and look at the family members and close
friends of the students who were up front with me. I would see them all
kneeling with eyes closed, there to support the candidates. I hated myself all
the more, realizing the hypocrisy in my life. “I can’t do this… “ These
thoughts hit hard and made me tear up every time. As soon as I heard the
“Amen,” I would quickly wipe my eyes on the sleeve of my suit and go on with my
life.
How did this happen?
No one looks across the aisle to his bride on that glorious
wedding day with thoughts of one day having sex with another woman. No one
schemes up ways to hurt the person they have publically declared to love
forever. So then, why does this happen? This is a complicated question with
many angles but I will make an attempt at answering it. No one accidently
commits adultery, rapes, murders, arrested for DUI or gambles life savings. All
of these deeply detrimental decisions are YEARS
IN THE MAKING. There’s a scaffolding
process that takes place before addicts and predators commit “the big one.”
Imagine if we all felt safe enough to reach out for help and healing early on
in our addictive behaviors. What would our personal relationships look like?
What would our churches look like? We are all broken, yet sometimes it feels
like church is just a place for the righteous people to high-five themselves,
instead of a place of healing for sinners.
 |
| My Marriage Ceremony - 3/3/13 |
Hope
Safe places and people do exist. If our society is going to
change - if we are going to be successful in eliminating sexual addictions from
the lives of men - a good place to start is to encourage and educate regarding
the benefits of safe self-disclosure.
Encourage people to recognize their “dark side” and “light side” as parts
of the same person, and let someone else into that dark side of their life and
seek accountability. The time has come to get honest. The truth will set you free…
“Lord, you have seen what is in my heart. You know all about
me.
You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know what I'm
thinking even though you are far away.
You know when I go out to work and when I come back home.
You know exactly how I live.
Lord, even before I speak a word, you know all about
it.
You are all around me. You are behind me and in front of
me. You hold me in your power.
I'm amazed at how well you know me. It's more than I can
understand.
How can I get away from your Spirit? Where can I go to
escape from you?”
Psalm 139:1-7
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